Letters I Never Sent -An emotional monologue.

For all those carrying quiet battles and unspoken dreams—this one's for you. A letter I never sent, but always felt.

Some mornings, I wake up feeling like I’ve already lived a whole day in my head. No alarms, no rush—just this quiet weight that settles in before my feet even touch the ground.

I don’t cry often. I don’t complain loudly. Somewhere along the way, I stopped asking “why me” and started whispering, “maybe this is mine to carry.” It’s not that things are always hard. It’s just that they often feel heavy. Quietly, invisibly heavy. Lately, I’ve felt a little detached. Like I’m watching my life happen from the outside—getting things done, smiling, listening—but not really feeling connected to any of it. I go to the lab, I study, I show up. And I come back home with a tired body and an even more tired mind. But I keep going. Because that’s what we do, right?

There’s a version of me that still dreams. She wants to build a better life for her parents, to give them the little joys they never asked for but always deserved. That dream hasn’t left me. But some days, it feels distant—like a light that flickers more than it shines.

And in all this, I find myself thinking… what happened to me?

The girl who used to laugh freely, plan boldly, believe without hesitation?

Where did she go?

Maybe she’s still here. Just buried under Phd deadlines, responsibilities, and a heart that’s quietly taken a few hits along the way.

I don’t complain much anymore. Not because everything’s okay—but because I’ve taught myself that silence is strength. That managing alone is maturity. That vulnerability is a luxury I can’t afford right now.

But there are moments. When I see my family, or hear their voices—I feel this surge of emotion. Not pain exactly. Something deeper. Love, longing, maybe guilt too. A reminder of why I’m doing all this. Of what I’m holding on for.

There are three things that keep circling in my mind:

Career, because I’ve poured years of my life into research. And I want it to mean something.

Love, because somewhere, I gave up on it. I got tired of getting hurt.

And Me, because sometimes I don’t recognize the girl in the mirror. She’s still kind, still strong—but also more quiet, more unsure than she used to be.

I try not to compare. But it happens. When I see others seeming more confident, more sorted. I wonder—am I falling behind? Or just taking the longer route?

This isn’t a success story. Not yet.

It’s not a pity post either.

It’s just... a letter I never sent. Maybe to you. Maybe to the version of me who’s still holding on.

If you’ve been feeling the same—lost, tired, unsure—just know: you’re not alone.

And maybe, just maybe, this slow season is also part of the becoming.

Let’s keep going.

One soft petal at a time🌸🌺.

PhD, Birthday, and JRF: A Journey of Celebration and Triumph🥳

Greetings to all, I hope you are doing well 😇.I am thrilled to be back with a new blog post after a two-month hiatus, during which I encountered a roller coaster of experiences. The past couple of months have been particularly tumultuous as my institutional fellowship, which had been supporting my PhD studies, came to an end in mid-January.🥴🥴 This development left me grappling with concerns about financial sustainability for the remainder of my doctoral journey, especially considering that the demanding nature of PhD work hardly allows for spare time to take on additional part-time work beyond the tutoring I already do. 

Besides my continuous search for alternative sources of income, I dedicated myself to studying for the CSIR-JRF exam, a test that had been a measure of my worth since 2018. Year after year, I attempted this exam twice annually, along with other JRF exams, both before and after starting my PhD journey. Despite the time constraints imposed by my doctoral studies and the challenges of the COVID era, I managed to prepare well enough to qualify for the NET, making me eligible to apply for Assistant Professor positions. However, I repeatedly fell short of securing the JRF, often missing the mark by a narrow margin. With the looming end of my institutional fellowship, I decided to make one final attempt at the exam, driven by a mixture of fear and determination. Despite my anxieties and self-doubt, my supervisor, family, close friends and specially labmates provided unwavering support, constantly checking on my progress, offering motivation, and helping me devise study strategies. Though I approached the exam day with trepidation, I resolved to surrender the outcome to a higher power and approached the test with a sense of calm and acceptance. Regardless of the results, I committed to continuing my PhD journey earnestly, having learned to trust in the belief that whatever will be, will be.

Here's a snapshot of my "whatever will be, will be" mindset, captured in the midst of studying in my lab on a Sunday.

January was a whirlwind of activity for me, juggling tuitions in the morning and evening, along with my PhD responsibilities. On top of that, I was busy checking exam answer keys, calculating scores, and dealing with panic attacks leading up to the exam result day, which fell on the 19th of February, coincidentally my birthday. However, there was little cause for celebration as I faced the daunting reality of entering my thirties with uncertainty looming over my finances, career, and relationships, especially when compared to friends who were getting married, settling down, and advancing in their careers. The weight of this reality left me in tears in the days leading up to my birthday. Yet, on the evening of the 18th, I had a change of heart. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I decided to take charge of my birthday celebration. I bought a pastry from a bakery and, at the stroke of midnight on the 19th, wished myself a happy birthday, determined to make the most of the day ahead. I woke up early, at 5 a.m., and headed to the Kashi Vishwanath Temple to seek blessings from Lord Shiva. After waiting in line for two hours, I finally received his blessings and prayed for a good day ahead. Little did I know that he had a special surprise in store for me. To my utter shock and relief, later that evening, the results were announced, and my roll number appeared in the CSIR UGC JRF list. I was overcome with emotion, feeling numb yet immensely grateful, as I realized that I was no longer a burden to anyone, not even myself.

Here's a snapshot capturing the solitude of midnight on the 19th, as I embraced the quiet moments alone.

Amidst the chaos, my lab family celebrated my birthday with the warmth and joy of a little baby, reminding me of the importance of having an extended family when far from home. Later in the evening, my birthday savior since 2019, Sakshi, whisked me away to celebrate my special day. Trust me, my birthday is never complete without her by my side. 

I'm excited to share the photos of my birthday celebrations with both my lab family and Sakshi.

So long story short, I have learned following lessons:

Resilience in Adversity: Despite facing financial uncertainty and academic challenges, maintaining resilience and determination can lead to eventual success.

Importance of Support System: Having a strong support system consisting of family, friends, and labmates can provide invaluable encouragement and motivation during difficult times.

Mindset Matters: Adopting a positive mindset, surrendering outcomes to a higher power, and accepting circumstances can help navigate through uncertainty with grace and calmness.

Embracing Solitude: Finding moments of solitude and reflection amidst chaos can provide clarity and inner strength.

Celebrating Self: Taking charge of one's own happiness and celebrating personal milestones, even in the face of challenges, is essential for self-care and resilience.

These lessons have equipped me to face challenges with strength, maintain positivity, find peace in solitude, and celebrate personal milestones. Moving forward, I am grateful for these insights and ready to tackle whatever lies ahead with confidence and determination.🤟🤟

Summing up my 2023 journey, encompassing both achievements and setbacks.

Hey, folks! I'm back after a while, and as 2023 wraps up, everyone's gearing up for a fresh start in 2024. People are making lists, reflecting on the past year, and setting goals for the new one.

Speaking for myself, I made a list in 2023, but only got through half of it. Does that make me a loser? Absolutely not! Along the way, I tackled some random tasks, grappled with important issues as a research scholar, and pondered what my inner self truly desires.

In this blog, I'll share my key achievements in 2023 and my plans for 2024. While scrolling through my gallery, I found no flashy accomplishments, but some are etched in my memory.

1)A big win for me this year was mastering detachment and embracing solitude. I usually rely on someone emotionally, but even with supportive people around, I felt unsettled. So, I decided to be at peace with everyone and no one. I aim to break free from emotional dependence on others, including my parents and friends. I'm halfway there, finding mental peace, and I want to deepen this practice. Practicing detachment has been a game-changer for my well-being🤓🤗.

2)My second achievement is embracing myself as truly deserving, regardless of my failures. I've started loving who I am. Despite facing repeated rejections, I felt lost and questioned my existence, subjecting myself to harsh punishment. I've dedicated significant effort to overcome this, believing that simplicity is not a weakness. Whether people accept me or not, I've accepted myself—with kindness, compassion, and occasional foolishness. Maybe I'm not among the brilliant minds, but I've developed faith that an average mind, with persistence and effort, can achieve wonders. Acknowledging my flaws, I'm tirelessly working to be a better person, not for others, but for myself.😇😎

3) My third achievement is related to my Ph.D. Though I didn't complete all major objectives this year, I made progress in crucial areas. Successfully cultivating a bacterial lawn with super slow-growing bacteria was a significant win, even though it tested our patience with a 14-day growth period. Facing challenges since 2022, we conquered contamination issues to efficiently test the bacteria. Additionally, I delved into protein purification, discovering the novelty of my proteins. While it might seem like a small step, reaching this point involved sifting through numerous research articles and extensive optimization. In the world of Ph.D., patience truly stands out — the 'P' is for patience.

4)The final triumph for me is eliminating toxic individuals who don't contribute positively to my life. By scrutinizing everyone in my friend list, I've established boundaries to maintain emotional balance. Setting these boundaries has remarkably sorted half of my life, ensuring no external disturbances create barriers.

In a nutshell, my focus in 2023 leaned towards personal growth, confident that this positive impact will elevate my professional journey. Personal development is ongoing, requiring adjustments to fit different situations. The uncertainties of 2024 are unknown, but the belief in doing better in any circumstance propels me forward, and I wish the same for those reading this blog. Keep going, no matter what!

With this, let's bid a warm farewell to 2023, hoping to make 2024 a year of health and productivity❤.

Managing routine stress during my Ph.D. journey.

Greetings again! Here's a glimpse into another facet of my Ph.D. journey—navigating the myriad stresses that come with research and academia. From supervisor dynamics to labmate interactions, looming paper deadlines, and the emotional toll of failed experiments that sometimes make me question my purpose. Beyond the professional realm, there's the added challenge of personal stresses—managing finances, choosing groceries, maintaining relationships (even though the perception of arrogance may arise due to our research-induced introversion), and the perpetual balancing act of caring for parents and siblings. It's a constant, multifaceted struggle shared by every research scholar.

Each person has their unique way of tackling stress, and I'd like to share my somewhat unconventional methods. Brace yourself:

1. Sleep: Since childhood, my go-to stress-buster has been a nap. It might sound crazy, but trust me, it makes me stronger. When stress hits, I find a spot, close my eyes, and take a short nap. Deep breathing doesn't cut it for me, so I opt for a bit of escapism through sleep. It's not about avoiding the situation; it's about preparing myself to face the stress head-on. After a nap, my muscles relax, and I approach challenges with a clearer mindset.

I even sneak in a 20-minute nap in the lab – it's like therapy. Don't picture deep slumber; it's just a simple head-down, and surprisingly, I've made significant life decisions during these power naps.

And here's a glimpse of me in my laboratory:

2. Music and Dance: Dancing has been my passion since the age of 4, making it my second go-to stress-reliever after napping. The combination of melodious tunes and rhythmic dance steps invigorates me, providing a sense of freshness and vitality. Given my busy mornings, I usually reserve this energizing activity for later in the day. Depending on my mood, I either sit back and enjoy soothing music or crank up the volume, engaging in fast dance moves to shake off stress. Scientifically, movement is known to break through mental blocks, and for me, that means dancing. It not only boosts my confidence but also enhances my stamina. Songs have become an indispensable part of my Ph.D. routine – playing in the background during experiments and writing sessions, contributing to a surprisingly low error rate.

I currently lack my dance photos, but I'm sharing a picture from my debut stage performance at the age of 4.

3. Cooking Delicacies: As a devoted food enthusiast, I find solace in the art of cooking, infusing every dish with love and enthusiasm. This culinary journey connects me to my roots, boasting 18 years of continuous culinary exploration. A delicious meal not only calms my senses but also builds resilience against external stressors. Despite a hectic schedule, I dedicate at least an hour daily to indulge in my favorite culinary creations. The combination of good food and restful sleep acts as a cornerstone, fueling my passion for tackling daily tasks.

While I may not have a snapshot of myself in action, here's a glimpse of one of the dishes I've prepared:

4. Roaming and Exploring in Nature: Like everyone else, I also find solace in nature's embrace. Nature has a profound healing effect, offering a much-needed escape from life's challenges. While my schedule doesn't permit frequent getaways, I currently reside in Varanasi, the city of the holy Ganges. Despite being surrounded by its ghats, my visits are infrequent. I reserve these natural retreats for moments when the daily practices fail to provide relief. The bustling crowds and noise also steer me towards odd timings, allowing me to surrender my problems and odd thoughts to the serenity of nature.

Attached is a snapshot from last year, capturing a moment spent in nature with my labmates. The experience was surreal, prompting a desire to revisit, which unfortunately remains a pending plan:

In addition to these main strategies, which are often feasible for an introverted Ph.D. scholar, I've incorporated new habits like listening to podcasts to broaden my awareness beyond research. Crucially, I've dedicated time to focus on my mental well-being, a journey that has been slow but rewarding. Simultaneously, I've embraced spiritual awakening to cultivate a sound mind, improve mental health, and foster a more positive outlook on a life that we sometimes find challenging.

That's my journey so far. I hope you resonated with it on some level. I'm curious to hear about your methods for managing stress. Take care, and stay happy until our next conversation!

How challenging is it for girls to pursue higher education in India?

Hello everyone, I'm truly delighted by the positive reception of this blog. Your encouragement serves as a great motivator for me to continue writing. So far, I've shared my journey into pursuing a Ph.D., a glimpse into my daily life, and the wonderful people I've encountered along the way. However, these accounts only scratch the surface of my experiences. The real challenge lies in obtaining permission for pursuing higher education, seeking employment, or preparing for competitive exams, tasks that demand significant dedication and time—something the Indian society often struggles to accommodate.

In my role as the elder daughter, societal expectations regarding marriage have consistently generated intense pressure from relatives. Surprisingly, my parents, in contrast to the prevailing norms, have been remarkably supportive, never imposing the urgency of marriage on me and instead encouraging my educational pursuits. Coming from a background where pursuing research, especially among my female peers, is uncommon, attaining postgraduate education is an achievement in itself.

During my postgraduate days, aspiring to reach the pinnacle of success, unaware that society would resent my future choices.

Recollections of numerous marriage proposals from relatives during what was deemed the "right" age for marriage serve as a testament to the prevalent mindset. However, my unwavering ambition for academic excellence and the pursuit of a more impactful life position made it clear that matrimony was not on my immediate agenda. Despite persistent societal concern, my parents remain remarkably composed, maintaining a steadfast belief in the importance of my educational journey. They consistently champion my decision to prioritize my studies and personal happiness, embodying a refreshing departure from the conventional societal expectations that continue to persist.

Capture the moment when my parents dropped me off at BHU for my Ph.D. Witness the pride and joy radiating from their faces.

Another challenge we've faced revolves around the persistent inquiry into the completion of our Ph.D. It's not merely confined to relatives; even friends from diverse backgrounds, whether settled in marriage or jobs, contribute to this ongoing scrutiny. This questioning has reached a point where I've opted to withdraw from social gatherings, distancing myself from individuals who casually probe with remarks like, "Your studies seem to be never-ending" or "If you don't marry now, it might never happen." Such inquiries not only challenge our educational pursuits but also question the very essence of our existence and the purpose we currently serve.

The impact extends beyond personal interactions; these persistent questions have led to a conscious disassociation from individuals who manipulate our parents, exerting societal pressure on them. This pressure, ostensibly for the sake of societal norms, fails to consider the well-being and aspirations of individuals. The same society that remains indifferent if unfavorable circumstances befall us after marriage suddenly becomes the arbiter of our life choices. Let me be clear—I acknowledge the significance of marriage; it's a pivotal phase of life. However, it should not come at the expense of our careers, and certainly not at the cost of the degrees we are passionately pursuing.

I express these thoughts because I've witnessed friends navigating the complexities of balancing in-laws, spouses, parents, studies, and their personal lives. It's disheartening to see brilliant minds facing such challenges. While I deeply respect those who persevere through post-marriage studies, it shouldn't be a norm. Pursuing higher education is a personal choice, and societal norms should not hinder it. Although society is evolving, there's still a gap in understanding that needs to be bridged for the benefit of women's lives. I hope my fellow women resonate with these thoughts, having possibly faced similar challenges. Stay strong, stand up for your happiness. Our parents wish to see us successful and joyful. Take care, everyone.

Life changing encounters in Research😇

Greetings, everyone! It's truly delightful to reconnect with all of you. 

The journey of finding genuine connections in life can be challenging, and I, too, once believed that people might have hidden motives. However, my perspective shifted during the past four years of research, where I encountered some remarkable individuals.🙂 They not only altered my outlook on life but also played a crucial role in my personal growth. Previously prone to repeating mistakes without much reflection, being surrounded by such positive influences has led to substantial improvement and a more open-minded approach. In this blog, I'll highlight a few individuals and their meaningful impact on reshaping my understanding of life. While I aim to keep this narrative more general, these encounters have transformed me into a better person, equipped to face life's challenges with composure and a genuine smile.

Let me kick off by expressing gratitude for my dear friend, Sakshi Singh❤. She was the first person I encountered when I joined the Ph.D. program, and as a newcomer in the town, her unwavering support made everything from relocation to documentation a breeze. Her assistance was genuinely selfless and authentic. Since our meeting in 2019, she remains a constant, unchanged pillar of support. I can count on her for even the smallest things, and her compassion knows no bounds. Two valuable lessons I've learned from her:

1)Maintain resilience, smile through challenges, and extend kindness regardless of life's curveballs.

2)Foster good intentions; positive vibes attract positivity. 

Sharing a snapshot of our journey:

Now, let's shift our focus to Ashutosh Anand, the next person in line. Introduced to me through Sakshi, their decade-long friendship showcases the beauty of enduring camaraderie. Despite our apparent differences, Ashutosh's bold transition from pursuing a Ph.D. to venturing into the corporate sector left a lasting impression. While his critiques about my traditional choices and submissive nature initially seemed irrelevant,😒 I later acknowledged the validity of his perspective. From his constructive criticism, I gleaned two valuable lessons:

1)Women should assertively stand by their choices, resisting societal or familial pressures.

2)Embracing life's challenges and taking risks is essential for personal growth; comfort zones seldom foster development. 

The trio of musketeers🥳:

The group of individuals whom I hold in eternal admiration comprises my lab members. As someone with zero prior knowledge of laboratory skills, my seniors played a pivotal role in shaping me into someone capable of overseeing our lab's responsibilities. Upon entering my Ph.D., Dr. Rakesh Kumar Singh, Dr. Lav Kumar Jaiswal, and Ms. Tanmayee Nayak served as my seniors. Initially uncertain about my ability to thrive in this environment, their consistent appreciation instilled confidence in me. They not only brought out the best in my experimental work, results analysis, and paper writing but also provided personal support in navigating imposter syndrome amid their own pressures. They stand as an unwavering support system.

Following them, Garima Kandwal joined as my junior, and it's almost surreal how blessings sometimes manifest. Concerned about managing once my seniors departed, Garima entered our lab, adding an extra dose of spice and cheese to our lives. From this collective experience, I've gleaned two valuable lessons:

1)Humanity should take precedence over professionalism in the workplace.

2) Empowering others' growth can turn you into a guiding angel for someone in need.

Presenting the five of us:😎

Concluding this composition with the belief that you, too, have such uplifting individuals in your life. If not, remain patient—I discovered them after nearly 25 years. Stay positive and hopeful; good things and people often come when least expected.🙂😇

The weekday routine of a Ph.D. scholar

Hello, everyone! I trust you're all doing well. In this blog, I'll provide you with a glimpse into the daily life of a Ph.D. scholar. Out of our 24-hour day, a substantial 10 to 12 hours are dedicated to the lab, where we engage in experiments, paper writing, article reading, and data analysis, all while fervently wishing each passing minute brings us closer to successfully meeting those haunting deadlines.

Let's start with the early morning routine. The need to rise early isn't for exercise or meditation, although I have immense respect for those who manage it. Instead, it's to prepare breakfast and lunch,😒😒 taking approximately an hour. While the mess and tiffin facilities are options, many of us prefer at least one homemade meal a day, considering the ongoing battle on the health front. Therefore, a significant amount of time is invested in scrutinizing the food we eat.

Following the morning routine, including the daily bathing ritual, everyone rushes to the lab with a plan in mind, primarily focusing on avoiding scolding's from supervisors😷. Daily progress and future plans must be reported to them.

Transitioning to the mid-morning to evening routine, upon reaching the lab, we declutter the mess from the previous day and proceed with the scheduled experiments. Personally, a day without planned experiments leaves me feeling aimless, while an overwhelming workload induces a sense of being overburdened and anxious. There seems to be no in-between. Other paperwork is part of the equation but is typically completed just moments before the deadline. The reality is that many people may be well-managed, but they are certainly not Ph.D. scholars. Ph.D. entails mastering the art of procrastination.😢😢😟

Every scholar faces unique problems, and our Indian way of dealing with them is summed up as "Just have a cup of tea," or more accurately, a "cutting chai." We willingly invest significant sums—over hundreds of rupees at times—in caffeine intake to boost morale and alleviate anxiety. Tea breaks become a crucial coping mechanism, whether during crucial experiments or with someone fetching it for us to withstand the pressure of work. So, chai is a major component of our daily life, and I personally cannot survive without it. 💕

By evening, the results of our experiments surface, and that's when the real roller coaster of emotions kicks in. If the results are favorable, it's a triumphant moment, feeling like we can conquer the world. However, if they're not in our favor, we start questioning our existence. We wrap up our work and leave the labs by 7 pm, praying to survive the path we've chosen.

Moving on to the night routine, after ample rest, we consider dinner options and ways to feel good about a challenging or average day. As girls, we must daily ensure to talk with our parents, addressing safety concerns since we are away from home. Constant efforts are made to reassure our parents about our health and safety, making it a crucial part of our day. With that, we set our beds and go to sleep, ready to face another day as a research scholar.

So, this is a snapshot of our weekdays. You might be wondering about our productivity, but the reality is that we're striving to be productive every day in our thoughts and actions. In Ph.D., productivity is measured after years of constant struggle.😐😑 So, never question our efforts and productivity. See you all in the next blog. Until then, stay happy!

How I landed into PhD

 Hello again! Following my initial introduction to the blog, let me share a bit more about myself, my background, and my journey into the world of PhD. I'm Anuja Kakkar, hailing from a small city in the state of Uttar Pradesh, India. My educational journey started in a convent school, and initially, I envisioned myself becoming a medical practitioner like many others who chose biology as their major in 12th grade.

However, due to insufficient guidance and financial constraints, I found myself pursuing BSc at a government college with the parallel ambition of becoming a doctor. After a year of hard realization, I abandoned the dream of becoming a doctor and fully immersed myself in BSc. At that point, I wasn't even aware of the possibility of pursuing a PhD, as my primary goal was to become a lecturer in a degree college. I was intrigued by the life of a government degree college lecturer but lacked the knowledge of how to pursue that path and didn't make much effort to find out😕.

While thoroughly enjoying my studies in botany and zoology, I decided to pursue higher studies. Unfortunately, due to a lack of guidance, I ended up taking a different direction, pursuing MSc in Microbiology, leaving behind my major subjects of botany and zoology. Despite being selected for some prestigious universities, I chose a new college where our batch was the first for MSc Microbiology . Many of my friends and colleagues regretted studying applied subjects, citing limited job opportunities and intense competition. I must admit that core subjects have their unique importance, but this isn't a strict rule.

During my MSc days, I learned about the CSIR exam, which grants eligibility for the role of assistant professor and provides a fellowship for pursuing a PhD. Although I qualified for NET (eligible for Assistant Professor),it has been nearly six years without clearing JRF (Ph.D. Fellowship), so you can expect some regular financial rants in my blog 😃. Despite the challenges, I managed to secure admission to BHU, my dream university, and enrolled in the Integrated PhD program. Currently, I'm in my fourth year of PhD, sharing my experiences with you and shedding light on when to embark on research in India, how to choose a lab and research area, and managing financial issues if you find yourself in a similar situation 😔😜.

That's a brief overview of my journey. Looking forward to connecting with you in the next post. Stay happy and tuned!

Introductory post about the blog

Greetings, everyone! A heartfelt welcome to my blog where I delve into the daily routine of an Indian female research scholar. Join me as I explore the intricacies of our days, the challenges we encounter, our continuous battle with imposter syndrome, and most importantly, how we navigate our personal lives amidst the chaos.

While I could have focused solely on the life of a PhD scholar, I've chosen to hone in on the experiences of Indian female scholars. This decision stems from a recognition that females encounter unique struggles. It's not about promoting feminism but acknowledging that both genders face specific challenges. As my awareness is more attuned to the female perspective, I'll earnestly share that aspect of the story. Men, too, grapple with their own set of challenges, but my focus remains on shedding light on the female narrative. I trust you'll find this exploration both entertaining and insightful. Stay tuned for the next blog installment. Until then, happy reading!